Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy (LIIST)

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¡Hola, Wildilisa!

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Wildilisa Silverman

Wildilisa Silverman, LMFT

Wildilisa Silverman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who received her MFT from Hofstra University. She is passionate about helping others live the life they deserve. Her practice focuses on the various needs of her clients–through individual, couples, relationship and family therapy.

Wildilisa’s clinical work is solution-focused in nature, but her style encompasses a more eclectic approach, with a concentration on sexuality-related issues. You will learn to effectively implement coping skills that you will be able to apply across all areas of your life. Wildilisa is particularly interested in supporting clients through issues with work, marriage, social relationships, and raising children.

She is also a native Spanish-speaker and has experience working with unique cultural backgrounds. She is in the process of getting her Level 1 training of the Gottman Couples Therapy Method, which can help couples learn how to manage conflict and rekindle fondness and admiration.

Wildilisa is a member in good standing of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).

Gender pronouns and titles: She/Her/Hers, Mrs.

Wildilisa is currently in the office on Fridays from 11 am to 7 pm.

Para clientes que hablan español, llame a Wildilisa directamente al 631-552-5686.

Book Review: The Ultimate Guide to Bondage by Mistress Couple

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book cover for the ultimate guide to bondageReview of The Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy Through the Art of Restraint. By Mistress Couple, Jersey City, NJ, Cleis Press, 2018. 294 pp. $ 16.95 (softcover). ISBN: 978-1-62778-274-6

Dr. Rosara Torrisi, LCSW, MEd, CST, PhD

The Ultimate Guide to Bondage is exquisitely written, from nose to tail. With Mistress Couple’s writing style, it is easy to be right there with her. This book is encompassing of all the information necessary to become a rising bondage practitioner. If you find yourself struggling against Mistress Couple’s instruction throughout this book, consider what this might say about your own relationship to dominance and submission. It is not feasible, however, for 294 pages to make up for real-world experiences. As a sex therapist and educator, I recommend that you make note of where you have questions, meet up with respected bondage experts in your area, and learn more.

The introduction follows Mistress Couple’s journey to bondage and is the beginning of a thoughtful examination. This primer underscores the quality of her training and expertise as a Mistress. She is honest, cautious with her reader, and tenderly nudges as she engages the reader on this journey. Her expert advice is evident, as she effortlessly speaks to the novice and the professional alike.

As a researcher and professor, I appreciate that Mistress Couple gives credit where it is due. The historical contexts are part of the cultural sensitivity needed when appropriating techniques. It is an act of privilege to disregard the historical implications of what one might be using for play. Although my academic background would have done this differently, I do appreciate that Mistress Couple’s footnotes link to sources that are not in scientific journals. This means the resources are more readily available to any reader.

Mistress Couple utilizes recognizable educational pathways to instruct her readers. There is a well-rounded definition of terms used throughout the book. These definitions allow everyone to understand her vocabulary the way she intends to use the words. She also uses accessible examples for complex ideas. The flow chart provides a structure for readers to absorb how bondage techniques crystalize or bifurcate. The number/color system of pain/pleasure considers multiple dimensions to quickly convey receptivity. The overview of the most common materials used in bondage is outstanding. There are also valuable pictures, drawings, and first-person-account essays. She also provides a quick overview of prevailing ideas within the mental health community about the origins of fetishes.

I agree with Mistress Couple’s connections of bondage to birth, trauma, consent, intimacy, and finding the authentic self. The Ultimate Guide to Bondage persistently reminds the reader to enact emotional and physical safety measures. More than sexual tension is released through sexual connection, so trauma-informed bondage is crucial. The conversation about how to receive and give consent is refreshing and woven throughout the book. It would be wonderful for everyone to understand consent so well, regardless of involvement in BDSM. I find Mistress Couple’s assessment of restraint as a method of returning to the universal experience of being in a womb, and the release of traumas such as birth, to be quite interesting. Developmental, trauma and attachment therapists will recognize their theories echoed in these pages.71MQJ8rUA9L

The Ultimate Guide to Bondage is comprehensive for those personally and professionally interested in bondage. There are some areas of BDSM in general that are not discussed in this book. For example, further exploration is needed for anyone interested in learning more about anatomy and physiology, role play, specific fetishes, penetrative play, impact play, and non-monogamy. This book could easily be used in an academic course, along with scientific journal articles and supporting primary documents.

‘Sex Education’ on Netflix

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Dr. T mostly liked the new Netflix series. It does miss the mark in a few ways, mostly because it’s made for entertainment. One of the areas but discussed in this article is the lack of racial and ethnic representation. Read more about her thoughts in this article by SELF magazine.

Main phone line down

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The main phone line is down at LIIST and will be back on shortly, though may take until Tuesday afternoon. You can contact your therapist directly or email us at info@lisextherapy.com We apologize for the inconvenience. Thank you for being patient.

Parents Have Sex, Too

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Parents having a healthy relationship with their sexuality is an important message to kids of all ages. Boundaries are appropriate, but a kiss, hug, cuddle and the knowledge that parents have sex helps kids develop their own healthy relationship with sexuality.

I definitely advocate getting mom (or partner who is a mom) something sexual and sensual for any holiday!
The tricky part for sex toys is that they’re usually not returnable. We never know what happens to plenty of presents we get people, so that’s not too big of a deal. Maybe mom uses it once. Maybe she regifts it to a friend. Either way, you got her thinking that you care about her as a sexual person, which is likely something she hasn’t felt in association with being a mom.
Some of my suggested toys?
The tried and true: the magic wand, preferably battery operated.
The mom who might be missing some penetration: the stronic pulsator
The mom who might appreciate something like oral: the womanizer
Always add some lube!

(None of these are affiliate links).

Other ideas are sensual. Massage, cooking classes, candles, bubble bath, luxurious lotion, mani/pedi, spa treatments, a Spotify subscription or a new album, new sheets, a house cleaner, a beautiful plant or a great smelling bouquet, a big bath towel or a robe, some time by the water (pool, lake, ocean, etc).
For a mom who likes some excitement to get her fire burning, try something thrilling! Go kart racing, a ride along in a sports car, bungee jumping, a ride along in a small plane or helicopter, skydiving.
And to use any or all of this… Especially for young moms… Some extra free time!
As a sex therapist, I don’t think there’s anything taboo about sex. Buying a vibrator is just as reasonable as gifting someone a box of chocolates.
Perhaps a sex toy gift could kickstart a conversation about sexuality, sexual development, stories from when mom was your age, etc. Many people are often left wandering through sexuality without parental guidance. Many forget that parents and grandparents have lifetimes of knowledge and experience that could be useful to younger generations– they were once the new, cool kids who were radicals and listened to weird music!

Sex Toy For Mom?

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Dr. Torrisi is quoted in this Refinery29 article about buying mom a sex toy for mother’s day.

“Many people forget that parents and grandparents have lifetimes of knowledge and experience that could be useful to younger generations — they were once the new, cool kids who were radicals and listened to weird music.”

Q&A with Dr. Torrisi about sexual abuse

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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Dr. Torrisi was recently approached by Daianara at the Hunter College Silberman School of Social work about the ways LIIST works with clients who have experienced sexual traumas. Here’s a peek at their Q&A.

  1. How often are you referred clients from non-profit agencies that serve sexual trauma survivors?

– Many clients find me via referrals from allied professionals. Sometimes I am referred a client from the pelvic physical therapists at Northwell Hospital. I am also a recommended therapist by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), Stony Brook Hospital Midwives Program, and the Long Island LGBT Network.

  1. What does co-therapy with survivors of sexual trauma look like?

– If you mean therapy with other allied professionals, that looks like regular phone calls between us; informing each other of what is going on and how we can best support the needs of our shared client. Sometimes I even meet other providers in their offices, and we share a cup of coffee while discussing a shared client. If you mean therapy with a co-survivor, such as a partner of someone who has gone through a traumatic sexual experience, that often looks like educating the partner or family member and working on enhancing a safe attachment.

  1. What is a rough percentage of the clients you see that have a sexual trauma history? How many of them experience difficulties with sexual functioning and/or difficulties with pleasure?

– I would say a majority of my clients have experienced sexual trauma. Just think about the statistics on this alone! (Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.) You can see more data about sexual abuse on RAINN’s website. About one in eight of my clients seek therapy with me to directly to address their sexual abuse history. Many experience sexual difficulties such as hypo-sexuality and anorgasmia. There is an excellent article by a colleague of mine, Agnes Whol, that was just published about therapy treatments that have proven success rates for sexual abuse survivors. You can read that article here.

  1. In your experience, has addressing sexuality in a positive manner with sexual trauma survivors been a healing experience for them?

– Most people come to my office because they are seeking a therapist and a therapeutic experience that will assist them in healing from their trauma(s). A happy sex life is often one of the more empowering ways of taking back the reigns from a perpetrator.

  1. Do you believe Sex Therapy is accessible for individuals in lower income brackets?

– Great question. Sex therapy is often difficult for those with lower incomes to afford. In general, insurance does not adequately provide payments to therapists. For a specialist like a sex therapist, not being appropriately compensated is just not possible. Luckily, at LIIST, we have a sliding scale and an intern with whom sessions are quite reduced. Each of the staff therapists at LIIST, see at least one client per day with a significantly reduced fee.

  1. Have any of your clients, who are sexual trauma survivors, engaged in consensual BDSM and kink? What has been their experience with this type of sex play?

– You have to be careful about these associations. Kink and sexual trauma do not overlap as some might think. For some people with sexual abuse histories, engaging in consensual boundary play can be empowering. This is not something I recommend off the bat. For anyone interested in kink, I always encourage them to join FetLife and to seek out the respected community members for the types of play they are looking to enjoy.

  1. How would you suggest non-profit agencies to integrate a Sex-Positive framework within their work with their clients?

– Hire an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist on staff. Host regular sex-positive trainings by AASECT Certified Sexuality Educators. Find one through AASECT’s directory listings here.